The 'Fashion' Vs 'Style' debate: the commoner's perspective.

The fashion versus style debate has been raging on for decades now. I am neither a style icon, nor a fashion expert, just here to tell the common man’s or woman’s side of the story in this dilemma.

Who is this common man/ woman in focus?

To begin with an observation of a phenomenon in the society I live in: In India, the vast majority of the task-force belongs in a very young age-group. This segment of the population suddenly has a lot of money at disposal. The retail sector is of course leaving no stone unturned in order to loosen  their purse-strings by offering them choices galore in clothes, fashion accessories and gadgets, luring them into believing that possessing these brands will ultimately define their existences and their beings.

These young professionals are eager to make a statement- about their new-found financial independence, about having arrived somewhere in life. The most immediate and obvious means of making that statement is of course the way they appear. Most of them are acutely aware of the latest ‘trends’ in the fashion market. They know exactly what is being launched by which brand. Some of them are even honest enough to admit that they are actually saving up in order to be able to afford the absolute ‘must-haves’. And all this so that they might ‘appear’ fashionable or trendy season after season.

Asking the question: Am I hip and happening?

The launch happens, they buy, they sport these and for a while are happy. And I am happy for them for as long or short a while they are. However, there is a certain amount of pain as well seeing them all, barring a few rare exceptions, thank God, look like clones (forgive the directness of the expression) of each other, one indistinguishable from the next. If the latest in women’s fashion is having a tattoo or having an eyebrow pierced, then in a single gathering you would find at least three to four girls with the same thing. If the latest in men’s fashion is sporting a stubble, then every alternate guy you talk to has a stubble. After a while you might even forget who you just met or spoke to.

Are any of these people conscious of this, I wonder? I’m sure no one is actually aiming to become a faceless number in the fashionable crowd. The whole point of dressing up is probably to say, “hey, please notice, I am different or I am unique.” These faceless numbers are all people who you would say are ‘fashionably’ dressed. Why is it then that they are sacrificing their uniqueness for a mass hysteria to look the same, to become yet another ‘product launched’ by the fashion industry?

Is there a positive side to this?

There is indeed a positive side to this as well, especially in a country of diverse demographies like India. The youth of today are united by this Fashion-brand culture. Differences of heralding from diverse linguistic and ethnic backgrounds are no longer visible thanks to the jeans and tees and nokias and iPods. This is especially beneficial as the need of the day is frequent relocation and reintegration due to the ever-changing job prospects not only in different parts of the country, even in different parts of the globe. The mass culture wipes out identities and individualities effectively. As a result we have a united youth who have plugged in to whatever is the latest ‘trend’ in the market.

There is of course no harm in being ‘fashionable’ in this sense if one is happy being No.X or No.Y in the Fashion database. Thankfully I notice that some people are not party to this mania. They have what I would call a sense of style.

Having a sense of style.

Now to the question as to what it really means to have a sense of style. Does it mean keeping up with the latest trends by wearing the latest “It” items? Or does it, in fact, mean dressing in an original way that suits your own personality and body type? In my view, style is in saying something about who you are by the way you dress. You may or may not sport the latest fad of the market. If you wear the latest in fashion, it does not necessarily mean that you would become just another number without a sense of style. By avoiding the latest fad in the market you do not necessarily make a style-statement. What is required is rather a happy marriage of the two. Follow the trends in fashion, choose what is in sync with your personal style and make it work for you. But before all that, define your personal style.

Defining one’s personal style.  

Sandra Bullock
Distinct Personal Style.

Nelson Mandela
Defined Personal style

 

A good way to begin doing this is by loving the way you look, believing that simply by virtue of being part of Creation, you are already beautiful and unique just the way you are, even without any adornments. Next, become aware of your body type (weight/ height/ skin tone/ bone structure) and temperament (outgoing and extroverted? shy, reserved and introverted? fun-loving? serious? or both?). Last, and very important, find the answer to what type of personality you are. Do you enjoy indoor activities more or outdoor ones? Do you like hanging out with a large group of friends or just a few close ones? Do you admire anyone as a style icon in your personal life?( My style icon was, and continues to be, my late father. )

Once you start having this little conversation with yourself your own personal style will become visible to you. Then you can get ready to hit the retail floor and make ‘fashion trends’ work for your personal ‘style’

Points to ponder on while shopping.

Ø  Never buy anything that just looks good on display, try it to find out if it does anything for you. Ask yourself: Was this made for me?

Ø  Wear what you can carry off with confidence; what makes you feel good as you, not as a kitsch-copy of someone else.

Ø  Go easy on accessories: if you are making a statement with your spectacle lenses, then avoid the nose ring. If you are sporting elaborate danglers as earrings, leave you neck bare.

Ø  Instead of focusing on hiding what you imagine are flaws, highlight what you think are your best features.

Ø  If you are on the heavier side do not assume that wearing lose fitting clothes will hide the flab. Focus on clothes that enhance what's positive in you.

Ø  If your complexion is dusky, go for darker colors; if you are wheatish, wear pastel shades, if you are on the fairer side wear lighter shades.

Ø  Dress according to season; a blue green outfit on a cloudy day can make you feel wonderfully one with nature. An off-shoulder dress on a cold evening is not a good idea.

Ø  Take advantage of your age: If you are young, make youth work for you. I f you are mature, make maturity your forte.

Ø  Always have good quality footwear in basic colors like, dark tan, beige, and black. Avoid colors such as orange or blue, unless you are headed to a fancy-dress party.

Ø  Invest in good quality inner-wear, what makes you feel good inside will ultimately make you look good outside.

Ø  Always remain well-groomed if you are living a city life.

Ø  Always smell good; identify one or two signature perfumes.

Ø  Remember: the ultimate ‘oomph’-factor comes from your body and mind(physical and mental health); everything else is at best secondary.

A few last words...

Dress according to occasion: understated elegance is best for a concert, prim professional dressing for an important conference at work, jazz it up if you are going dancing. From my own experience and from what others have shared with me, it transpires that being underdressed can be embarrassing, but being overdressed can be far more so.

The final wisdom...

If in doubt, leave it out…

What's for dinner?

It was  8.30 p.m. in the evening and my husband had come to pick me up from office. He had taken an early evening off, been home to freshen up, taken our daughter out for ice-cream. Then the two were there for me at the appointed time.

So far so good...

The moment I entered the car the first question hurled at me was, "Ma, what's for dinner?” by my daughter, of course, and I also caught a glimpse of my husband's head tilting expectantly towards me. I had had an especially strenuous day at work and my instant reaction was irritation at having no answer ready for that question and yet being compelled to answer it. I charged back asking why I was being asked that question even though her 'Dad' had been home before me and had had time to plan something, which of course he hadn't. She was genuinely surprised at my reaction, and simply said, “because we always ask you." I was ashamed of my behavior, but too stressed to apologize. An awkward silence prevailed after that, to be dispelled by my husband proposing that we eat out.

If you come to think of it, this is one of those questions that many women have been answering across cultures and across generations. They have never wondered as to why they have to have an answer. Perhaps it is only of late that some of us have begun to question the legitimacy of that question as we have gone out of our hearths and carved our own niches in the world outside as professionals in different fields. We have begun asking why, the man of the house seldom, if ever, has to worry about planning and executing meals, let alone having to answer that question.

It would be presumptuous to assume that all men enjoy this ‘peripheral status’ where decision-making rights regarding planning and executing meals is concerned although I am pretty sure most do. What about women? Do women resent the fact that they have to answer the ‘what’s for dinner’ question almost every day? Again it would be presumptuous to assume so. Would I cause outrage if I said that women on the one hand enjoy having the exclusive rights to answer that question, and on the other hand, fake resentment to use for their feminist agendas as and when it suits them? There is a poll alongside this article to gauge the most probable answer to that quesion.

I, for one, love the feeling of being cared for if I am reassured by my partner that dinner would be his responsibility on a certain hectic day. I am blissful at the thought of returning to a warm meal that I have neither had to plan, nor execute. BUT, this positive feeling turns into one of  threat if it continues for as short a period as three consecutive evenings. Understandably, the male in the equation cannot fathom this! He exclaims “You women… are a mystery”

What is this power-equation that women associate with the whole food affair? Where does it come from? What is its history?

Talking about history, I am reminded about a scene in a popular Hindi film released last year apparently based on the story of Emperor Akbar and his favorite queen Jodha. When challenged by a certain senior member of her in-law family about her place in the royal kitchen, the newly wedded queen takes a stand by stating that it is the prerogative of every married woman (“har vivahit stree ka adhikar hai yeh”).
At this point in the movie, I could see that the director had touched a chord in the heart of the vast majority of the women in the audience. What I was horrified at was the fact that I found myself reacting in almost the same way as all the other women, i.e., agreeing tacitly to that claim of prerogative. Why should such a prerogative matter to me, an educated woman of the twenty-first century who has discovered other playing fields?!

The answer probably is that when poised against the collective history of a society, of civilization, the journey of the individual pales into insignificance. One stimulus is all that is required for you to plug into the persona of the archetypal woman who feels empowered by virtue of the sway she holds in the kitchen.

If I look back at my own history, I am reminded of a small but significant incident. It was my first visit to my then would-be in-laws’. The day was that of 'Saraswati puja’. A short while after the first awkward moments of preliminary introductions, my boyfriend’s mother offered to let me help with the cooking. I was thrilled and touched to the core by her generosity and inclusiveness! She asked me if I could knead the dough for puris. I of course said an instantaneous yes and plunged in headlong, silk sari et al, into an extra-large casserole of flour. Being motherless from a young age, I was over anxious to prove my skills that I had learnt on my own. But sometimes proving that you have skills can be a BIG MISTAKE. That one incident revealed to her my weakness. In later years, whenever she wanted to reward me she gave me access to the kitchen, and withheld that access whenever I was refusing to tow the line.

The point I am trying to make is this: the reconciliation between being accomplished in your professional life and holding on to age-old fears and archetypes, has to begin at some point. It has to happen out of willingness, not coercion. So, to all the ladies, answer these ‘why’s in your minds:

      Why, despite our qualifications and accolades, do we try to prove that we can cook and house-keep well?

      Why do we so often utter the sentence ‘get out of my kitchen’ when the men venture in?

      Why do we feel threatened when they are equally capable of planning and executing meals/ organising events?

      Why do we like being called "Minister of Home Affairs" or “Supreme Court”?

      Why do we women cry ourselves hoarse about gender-equality in workplaces while at the same time holding on to our so called ‘prerogatives’ at home?

      Why do we then resent it if they feel threatened by our skills and competences at the work place?

Turnabout is fair-play, don't you think ladies, and wouldn't you like that gentlemen?

How many of you think that women need to let go of their own insecurities first before they can expect the men to follow suit?  Cast your vote, we will know.

RESULTS OF THE POLL: -
-What is a woman likely to feel if she is not consulted in planning a dinner being hosted on an important occasion? [ Thrilled-0%, Relieved-20%, Angry-60%,Slighted-20%]
-Are girls and boys groomed differently by parents according to accepted societal norms?
[No-0%, Yes, but only in India-0%, Yes-40%, Maybe, but not in my household-60%]
-Does a woman resent better house-keepimg skills from the spouse?
[Most definitely-0%, Probably-20%, Depends on which generation she belongs to-40%, Not at all-40%]
-How often does a man deliberately let a woman feel in control at home to maintain peace?
[Always-0%, Sometimes-40%, Most of the time-60%, Never-0%]

A warm 'thank you' to all those who cast their votes.

From FAT to FIT in four months.

The spiritual Gurus tell us more often than we care to hear that we are spiritual beings living physical lives in a physical form, the body. Whether you like it or not, you are a prisoner inside your body, you live there.

It is from an urge to improve my living quarters that I started devoting some time and attention to corporal fitness. For the benefit of those who are now suffering from what I experienced as side-effects of weight gain, I was inspired to share this, which, otherwise was quite a personal journey.

I was suffering from physical conditions such as fatigue, palpitation (after taking the stairs), persistent back pain, etc. Progressively I was showing a preference for indoor activities when it came to leisure, to the extent that I was unwilling to walk short distances even while shopping. These physical conditions were also accompanied by psychological symptoms such as feeling stressed most of the time, easy irritability, bouts of depression without any apparent cause, dependence on food for an instant feel-good, fear of any physical effort (as little as that of lifting a pair of shoes to place it on the rack!), procrastination & nervousness, and many other unrecognized ones.

Adding insult to injury was the experience of walking into stores and discovering to my dismay that all those clothes with beautiful silhouettes did not fit me…I could only get into XXL mis-shapen ones.

(At this point I would like to stop and clarify that this was a personal experience, no offense meant to anyone who is an XXL. If you are comfortable being at that place, then there is absolutely NO NEED to do anything to alter that. After all, self-image is all about being comfortable being who you are. The fact is I was not comfortable being there, and so I had to do something. This piece is meant for those and only those people who are now where I was once and do not like it)

This was by no means my first attempt at attaining fitness. Most of my earlier attempts had failed and this time I had the good sense to look back and realize the following:

•          Crash dieting doesn’t work. It is impractical and can be harmful

•          Any one type of exercise, like Yoga, Aerobics, Freehand or Gym is ineffective. A combination is required

•          Consistency is more important than sporadic outbursts of  enthusiasm

•          Gymming doesn’t help you lose weight. It’s only effective when you have already lost weight and  require further body toning/ sculpting.

I knew I needed to lose weight. But “let’s start”...   ...   ... was easier said than done. I spent a couple of months just discussing the issue. Fear of failure was uppermost on my mind. Earlier also, I had started and discontinued. Therefore, this time I needed a plan that was more realistic than idealistic.

As with the symptoms, so also for the remedy, there are two aspects: physical (involving eating right, and, exercising) & psychological (involving emotional & spiritual state).

I will not go into what to eat as you all know what to and what not to eat. Neither do I know anything about diets as I have never been on one ever. What I will say of course is this; among other things, eating is one of our primal pleasures so do not deny yourself the pleasure of eating anything, but do not go overboard. Balance it out. If not on the same day, then on the following day.

The more difficult aspect is exercising. Here too, work out realistically, a regime that you really can stick to. Start small like going for walks or taking the stairs instead of the lift, once a day. Then build up slowly. Make this your personal fetish, keep thinking about it, but do not discuss at this stage no matter what the temptation. Start with a lot of cardio exercises like jogging in place, walking, running, or combining walking and running, skipping ( if you do not have any osteoarthritis related issues). Gradually, add other free-hand or aerobic exercises. The objective is to sweat it out, no matter how you do it. Only after six weeks of doing so, can you bring in other kinds of exercises like yoga or weight training into your routine. Whatever is your combination, make sure to not extend it beyond 25 to 30 minutes per day, or 3 hours per week with one or two off days. The programme is less effective if done alone, company makes it pleasant.

The emotional-psychological reasons behind weight-gain are very individualistic and may require some professional help in certain cases. However, to start off on your journey, you may want to begin by attempting to understand the causes of overeating and/or inertia. Accept your frailties and life’s injustices; practice forgiveness, start by forgiving yourself. Chant mantras, if that helps, read and understand the scriptures. Above all, laugh more frequently. 

Enjoy the process. If it works for you (as it does for me), become obsessed with it. Paste cut-outs of your favorite film-star/ sports-star (strictly in terms of body, talent may or may not matter) inside your wardrobe. To gauge whether you are actually losing weight you may use your weight as an index. Personally, I prefer going by dress sizes.

Here are some FAQs and the answers that I suggest to them.

-Where will I find the extra time?

Only YOU know that best.

-How much time do I allocate to each type of exercise?

Initially, 50% of your exercise time should be for aerobic exercises (like jogging, skipping, etc).

-How often do I have to exercise in a week?

Anything less than four times a week is INEFFECTIVE

-Do I have a rest day / rest days!!!?

Yes of course you do. But more than TWO a week is TOO much

In your four-month journey from Fat to Fit, there will of course come some moments of crises. These are the times, when you need a friend to keep you from giving up. These crises moments will coincide with the following:

ü  When you are noticed by others/ When you are not noticed by others

ü  When your partner does not keep pace with you/ When you give in to temptation-to overeat/to not exercise

ü  Just before going to the weighing machine/ Just after you have seen your weight which has- decreased/ not decreased

ü  The lack of consciousness that you may slip anytime and go back to where you started.

I will leave you to chew on that and chalk out your own plan. If you ask me how much weight I have lost, I would answer “I don’t know”, but I do know that I have dropped two dress sizes, feel a lot better about myself and have gained a lot of extra energy.

Are four months enough?  Enough to get you started and keep you interested for more. My four months were over in May.

Happy journey and don’t forget to drop in a line about your fitness fundas that I might learn from!

"Sacrifice"...not sure I understand what people mean when they use this word.

Just the other day, a friend of mine was recounting details of 'sacrifices' made by her parents so that she could reach the station of life that she has. During the conversation, she was close to tears. This made me think as to whether what she was describing to me was actually what she was naively- I thought but did not dare articulate- calling  'sacrifice' or pure love.

Seriously, what does somebody mean when she/he uses this word?

Probably the indication is towards voluntarily abstaining from what otherwise would have been a more attractive path to tread for her/him.

Since we Indians absolutely love definitions, I'm going to take the liberty of exploring a couple of them.

The Oxford Dictionary defines the word as "an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy". Now look closely, 'regarded as more important or worthy'...by whom? Evidently by the person making that choice of 'giving up'. So fundamentally there is a consideration of what the 'self' perceives as 'worthy' at a given moment. There are yet other dictionaries that go a step further to add that making a 'sacrifice' entails giving up something that is dear to you in order to help 'someone else'. Noble thought indeed. But a thought is what we experience in our consciousness. This is at the experiential level.

At a more existential level, we need to ask ourselves if it is at all possible to go through this entire act of sacrificing without feeling a certain warmth, or what in common parlance is the 'feel-good factor'. In my belief, the two are inextricably linked. Moreover, the one who makes a 'sacrifice' does so because at that moment that course of action appears more 'worthy' or plain sensible to her/him ( for example, the common Indian scenario of the wife sacrificing her career for the sake of her husband's, or parents sacrificing their comforts for the sake of their children's upbringing, etc, etc.). Probably at a deeper structure, it all boils down to mere questions of 'existence'-the wife knows that at the end of the day, there will be more money in the family kitty; or of 'essence'-the sacrificial parents may either be giving in to societal pressures of a certain tacit code of behaviour, or being guided by contemplations of a handsome future where they would be the neighbours' envy on account of an achiever ward! In this sense, I would go more with one of the alternatives suggested by the Wikipedia: "a short term loss in return for a greater gain"

In the Hindu ritualistic sense, a 'sacrifice' can be equated to a yagna, involving offerings to the gods in the form of 'ghee', grains, etc. with a view to appeasing them, with a hope of greater bounties. Animal sacrifices in ancient societies have been linked to absolving of 'guilt' of hunters, who offered to the heavens above a portion of what they were using for their sustenance in the first place. It is in this domain that the word 'sacrifice' really belongs and makes some, even if restricted, sense.

When used wrongly, this word has the potential to show up in a rather poor light what belongs rightly in quite another domain, that of love. When a person, be it a parent, a spouse, or a soldier, puts considerations of others before herself/himself, that is an act of pure, unadulterated love. Let us not malign this beautiful connection between human beings by calling it what it is not- a 'sacrifice'. I'm reasonably sure that my friend's parents might never have had considerarions of deferred gratification in doing what they did for their offspring. There are no considerations of eventual gains in many such acts. In fact there is no future. The present is all. Acting out of love is its own reward and does not require a medal to glorify it. Some of us are fortuante enough to have experienced it; others may not have been that lucky.

While ruminating on this incident, I also became aware that many a time I too use words loosely, without reflecting on what they really convey. In any case, words, by their very nature are inadequate to convey the exact content because life is too large and deep, and words are at best an attempt.

Even so, maybe we should think just a little before randomly using the word in question here, 'sacrifice'.

Do parents grow?

Do parents grow?

I believe they do.

When you give birth, in a way, you are also born, once again, as a parent. As a first-time parent you undergo what is akin to a "crise de conscience", not knowing what to do with the brand new gift of a miniature human being. You closely scrutinise 'it', then put distance between you and 'it' and try to decide whether to touch 'it', and if so, how...

Rebirth

Slowly you come to terms with your new reality, new identity, that of a parent. The growing, I think, begins at that precise moment. All over again you learn to walk, to talk, to touch, feel and see the old world in a brand new avatar.

As your child grows, so do you, on the way discovering in a new light and marveling at everything old . You learn all over again to read and write, to play ball and fight and cry and throw tantrums...Once more you struggle with homework and have bruised knees. All over again you go through bouts of cough and cold and flu.

As mother to a toddler, I remember finding myself able to relate to other toddlers, and feeling their sudden joys and unreasonable griefs. However, as my child grew out of toddler-hood, I lost that ability. Apparently, as my child grew, so did I. If I now offer advice to parents of toddlers, I can feel the remoteness of the experiences that I conversationally might share with them. Now, as mother to a teenager, I can clearly empathize with the average teenager's disregard for anything related to 'establishment', vicariously feel the flutter of receiving attention from the opposite gender, participate in gleeful exchange of secrets and gossip!

In all this, the one thought that is recurring is this: it is this bio-psychological satisfaction of having a second chance at reliving life's moments is what experiencing parenting is all about. This is it, and, this is all. As parents, our journey is our reward! This pre-empts or ideally should pre-empt (for the perceiving parent, at least) any ulterior expectation from the child. As Kahlil Gibran reminds us, our children come through us but not from us...

So, the next time your kid's birthday comes up, also secretly celebrate your own birthday as 'parent'.