Look closely at life, your own life, your friend’s lives, at life all around you and you will see that a range of games that were started in childhood are still being played even amongst adults. Do we ever grow up? Does the mind age? Who knows? So whether we are four, fourteen or forty, we are still playing games like ‘peek-a-boo’, ‘catch me if you can’, hide-and seek’ or ‘dodge-ball’. The playing field is different at forty from the one at fourteen…instead of the neighborhood park, we have carried these games into our homes or offices or even into our mind-spaces.
There are some classic “roles” that we assume while playing these games. The roles I refer to here are not those of being an offspring, a sibling, a parent or a spouse- these are our default roles as we get into various relationships in life. Nor am I talking about roles in our work-life, like that of a boss or a subordinate or a client. The classic roles are the ones that are our collective psychological inheritance as the only thinking-feeling species.
Here’s a look at some of them.
The Man or (the Hunter) and The Woman or (the Nurturer)
Lurking somewhere in our unconscious is this stereotype. The man undertaking to provide for the family while the woman looks after the hearth. Probably this is the most deep-seated of our accepted psychological models. While on the one hand I see this as nature’s way of ensuring survival of the species, on the other hand I am glad to see that modern day society acknowledges that either gender can flexibly play each of these roles or even take turns in doing so. I am a trifle exasperated though, when I see these roles being extended even into the workplace scenario (for example, gender being the decisive factor for certain types of jobs, those of teachers, nurses, etc.)
The Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer
This triangle is an eternal one. You and I see it all the time all around us: at home, where the mother of a newly-wed man so often plays the victim as she feels left out of the newly-established equation between her son and his bride. The bride in turn plays victim sometimes to attract attention back to her. In both these situations the same man has to play rescuer to two different women, turn by turn. The father of the bride, on the other hand, often turns into a fierce persecutor with respect to the second man in his daughter’s life.
In the office too, playing the helpless victim sometimes helps in assuring mileage especially if one can detect the presence of a potential rescuer! In society, entire communities sometimes cling on to this victim mode and choose to feel marginalized.
One observation: in my opinion, the position of the victim is the most potentially violent and therefore most important to avoid assuming. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel like a victim that we are most susceptible to lash out at others with violence.
The Dictator, the Liberal, the Conformist and the Rebel
This too is too widely prevalent for us to miss. Whenever a proposition is put on the table, be it buying a car in a family scenario or venturing out into a new horizon of business, some people invariably choose to agree to whatever is put on the table by the so-called ‘most powerful’ protagonist. Needless to say, these are the conformists. Some others have a radical allergy to agreeing to anything without a fight. These are the rebels. Few and far between are the moderates who would discuss issues with a rational approach. Leaders also come packaged very often as ‘Autocrats’ or dictators, and at other times as unorthodox ‘Liberals’ (as a layman’s term, without political overtones).
The Parent/ The Teacher
These are two of the oldest stereotypes perpetuated by our existence in a social structure. In a way these help in defining boundaries, ensuring safety. Within the family structure the role of a Parent may or may not be played by the actual parent. For instance, the ‘real’ Parent in a relationship may be the child if the parent is unwell, or weak-willed, or crippled, or addicted to alcohol, etc. At the work-place too, the leader’s role often combines that of these two classic stereotypes. The protective instinct, the zeal to guide, to lead by example often comes from either or both of these.
The Judge/ The Critic
The Judge or the Critic lurks in us all. There is an inevitable tendency in us to take a position vis-à-vis any situation or behavior from the relative standpoint of our own value systems. However, in some people this becomes a predominant character trait. Over time they lose consciousness of constantly either judging other people or being self-righteous.
The Wise One/ The Witness
This personality type is probably the most enlightened and therefore rarest. As a role it would not, I suppose, be very interesting to play if we have not yet made the transition in our psyche from role-plays enjoyed by us during childhood game sessions to adulthood strategy sessions. It is probably the only role with a clear preference for detached involvement.
Coming back to the child-adult persona in us, I would like to conclude by saying one thing: that no matter what game we are playing, or role we are assuming, it is of utmost importance to be kind…to that child in us that still has an appetite for games.
Acknowledgement : "Games People Play" by Eric Berne
