Questioning the nobility of the Nobel

The Nobel Peace Prize is probably the most widely recognized of the all the Nobels. As a lay person, I have always seen it as a celebration of individuals or organizations whose work has served to defuse hostility between nations, generally diplomats, activists, politicians and others who have been directly involved in peace negotiations of one kind or another or in the uplift of a certain segment of society.

When I heard that this year WikiLeaks is among the 241 Nobel Peace Prize nominees, my first reaction was, “Seriously? The WikiLeaks? Along with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela?” I mean granted that the WikiLeaks caught the world's attention with the publication of thousands of secret US reports on the war in Afghanistan last summer and since then, has stayed in the public eye with similar reports on the war in Iraq, and the gradual release of thousands of secret US diplomatic cables, but in recent months,  an increasing number of allegations, including allegations of rape and sexual molestation, against the website's founder, Julian Assange, have downplayed the site's reputation. The controversy surrounding WikiLeaks founder is sure to leave scope for debate. But more than that, it is the website’s contribution to world peace or making a significant difference to world-order that I seriously question. On the one hand I am very appreciative of the freedom of speech and the transparency that WikiLeaks represents, but on the other hand, many a time the means used were questionable, to say the least.

Alfred Nobel wrote in his will, the Peace Prize shall be awarded to the person who “...shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.” Even if we were to lose sight of the original intent of the prize, the fact remains that over the last 60 years it has been associated with people like Martin Luther King, Bishop Desmond Tutu, The Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa and organizations like The Amnesty International and Médecins Sans Frontières.

Since I started penning my thoughts here, the Nobel Peace Prize for this year has been declared to be shared by Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Liberian activist Leymah Gbowee and Tawakkul Karman of Yemen, "for their nonviolent struggle for the safety of women and for women's rights to full participation in peace-building work.” But this post is not about that. The fact that a nomination was considered for WikiLeaks was demoralizing for me as a common citizen. To me it represents an erosion of values, a redefining of priorities that I am not ready for. I still belong in an old world where stories of exemplary lives lived on  high principles dedicated to bringing about a more just world-order help average people like me to live our humdrum existences with hope.

Try telling a teenager...

One of the most painfully perplexing yet hilarious things I have experienced in life is trying to communicate with a teenager and not being able to make headway. These are some of the standard issues I recurrently try to approach and I receive one or the other of these replies.

Parent -                       Time to get up, it’s morning/ 7 am

Teenager’s reply           Why?? Who made this rule that mornings are for getting up?

                                    Yeah, I know. You told me twice already!

                                    I’m too tired to get up

                                    I don’t care what time it is. My day begins when I get up.

           

Parent -                        Come here and help me with the chores

Teenager’s reply            Why do we need to do these things? What’s the point of dusting when you know  
                                     that it’ll get dusty all over again?
                                     Where’s the dirt? I can’t see it!

Parent -                      Clean your room

Teenager’s reply          My room doesn’t need cleaning. I like it this way.

                                   Please, you don’t clean it either. I can’t find my stuff!!!

Parent -                       Switch off your phone, it’s bedtime/ study time

Teenager’s reply           Yeah, just a minute

                                     I can text and sleep at the same time.

                                     I am texting a math formula

           

Parent -                      Veggies are good for you

Teenager’s reply           So you have them. Have my share as well. It’ll be good for you.

Parent -                      Don’t use such words (‘dude’, ‘yup’, ‘yeah right’, ‘gimme a   break’, etc.)

Teenager’s reply           Why? What’s wrong with them?

                                    You don’t use them as they didn’t exist in your time.

Parent -                       This is not love

Teenager’s reply           That’s what you think

                                    I’ve never felt like this about anyone else before

                                               

Parent -                       This is junk you are watching on TV

Teenager’s reply           So??

                                    ‘Tis just time pass, Ma. Chill.

Parent -                       You must accompany us to this wedding

Teenager’s reply           What will I do there?

                                    Everybody is so old there!

Parent -                       Why are you wearing those torn pants?

Teenager’s reply           These are not torn!! I cut off the bottom.

           

Parent -                       Dad will drop you off at the multiplex.

Teenager’s reply           Thanks, but please ask him not to hang around there

Parent -                      There’s barely a month to your exams, aren’t you going to start
                                   studying?

Teenager’s reply          You are kidding, right? There’s a MONTH to the exams!

My Conversion Story

This is the story of a journey from fear to love.

Is it possible to convert fear to love? Well, as they, nothing is impossible.

As it happens, I grew up in a pet-less household. Although I always knew that my mom was an animal lover, apartment-living did not allow for an animal to be part of the family and since as a child I had no extraordinary fondness for animals, I did not ever ask for one. Quite the contrary in fact, I was terrified of anything on four legs. This unusual fear could be because I was once bitten by a big fat lizard (yes-believe it or not!!) - not the most encouraging experience for a timid and shy child. To make matters worse, our family astrologer wrote on my horoscope, “likely to suffer dog-bites once or twice”. This was widely discussed and joked about, but to me it was not funny to keep waiting to be tasted by any mongrel who took a fancy to me. I became reluctant to visit relatives and friends with pets. When out on the streets, I was terrified of street-dogs and could see nothing but their fangs.

As luck would have it I married a dog-lover. My partner adored dogs, of all shapes, sizes and breeds. He never stopped complaining that his childhood desire to have a pet was summarily dismissed by his parents. Then my little girl came along. She was one step ahead of her Dad; she adored the whole spectrum of living things including birds, bats, insects and worms. The two pleaded with me relentlessly to get them a puppy until I reluctantly decided to overcome my inhibitions and reconsider. I happened to conversationally mention this to a colleague of mine, who very enthusiastically came back within a couple of days with news of a litter of Labrador pups available with a breeder. She said she was adopting one and asked if I would like to take a look at the rest. I mentioned this to my family and decided to go take a look with the strict understanding that we would come back and discuss at length before taking any decision. I clearly stated that I was going there with zero commitment.

We went to take a look at the litter. One particular puppy had its mouth smeared with milk and rice as it had been fetched from out of its feeding time. We all took an instant liking to it, but I withheld from showing my approval. Or so I imagined! The other two instantly sensed my softening stance and my husband made on the spot payment and decided to take it home, much to my surprise as we had not gone prepared with a basket to carry him back in. The cute little live toy was put in a cardboard box and we carried him home. Since he was a Leo by his date of birth, we decided to call him “Simba” after our favorite animation character from the movie Lion King.

Simba was all of six weeks old when he came into our lives. Even then he had a personality of his own. He wagged his tiny tail to show pleasure and growled at displeasure. He drank his milk with gusto and was ashamed of tiny mishaps before his toilet training was complete. At this stage there are practically no differences between adopting a human baby and an animal one. As with human babies, so also with animal ones, parents have to through with the entire gamut of liquid diet to weaning, toilet training to vaccinations, etc. It has to be protected from drowning or getting burnt or getting run over by vehicles.

I had always had thoughts of adopting a baby; just that I had not imagined myself being mom to an animal baby. Coupled with that my fear of anything on fours persisted and I was not much into cuddling the puppy Simba, something that I regret till this day. This was soon to change though. As it happens, Simba was a restless mischievous puppy, tearing to bits cushion covers & newspapers, chewing on shoes, tasting anything that he could find. One time he ate up a live cockroach! Another time, I fell asleep while reading a book and when I woke up a quarter of the book had been chewed away! I was too embarrassed to tell British Library the real story, instead I reported it lost and paid a fine.

Due to one such misadventure, one day when he was around eight weeks old he contacted an infection and due to repeated motions was rapidly losing fluid from his body. I called the vet, he said, ‘avoid milk, and ensure that that he continues to have water.’ This was easier said then done. Simba did not recognize water as he had not been weaned and recognized only milk as consumable. He refused to drink and gave me confused looks as to what was this strange liquid that I was putting in his bowl instead of the milk and cerelac mixture he was used to. I tried forcing water into his mouth with a dropper syringe but to no avail. I called the vet again, he said, ‘keep trying’. Remembering a scene from the movie Born Free, I started dipping my hand in water and encouraged him to lick the moisture. By evening, as Simba had lost a lot of fluids and was showing signs of dehydration I SOS’ed my husband. By this time the little one was sitting in a corner, listless, with a vague look in his eyes that I could not fathom. It struck me then that I was failing as a mom…When my daughter was little I could physically feel her every need, a capacity that nature gives every mom. In Simba’s case I could not feel as I was not biologically connected to him. This thought was such a powerful blow to my already weakened mind that I began to cry. I went to the corner and sat next to him. He put his little head on my hand and lay there limp. I feared the worst and tried to keep him awake and to continue to put my damp thumb into his mouth. When what seemed like light-years later my husband got home and took us to the Vet’s clinic, the vet confirmed that he was in bad shape but was not irretrievable, thanks to my day-long effort. He offered to keep Simba overnight so that I could go home and rest. He even suggested that I was showing signs of a nervous break-down and should be taken to see a doctor who could administer an intravenous tranquilizer. We followed his advice and I was able to sleep that night.

Since that day over the years Simba and I have come a long way…. I no longer feel unconnected. I can feel his every need and he can read my thoughts. He is big handsome fellow now. He is my ardent fan and I am his. He has established individual equations with every family member…that includes expressing emotions the doggy way- positive ones by wagging his tail, jumping and throwing himself at you, curling up on the lap and negative ones by growling, showing his fangs, nipping at your hand, and even biting. The prophesy by the family astrologer has been proved utterly bogus in the meantime. Simba has bitten every family member, but me, more than once!!

To keep or not to keep, a mustache?

-“Would you date a guy with a mustache?” I asked my teenage daughter.

-“Noooooooooo wayyyyyyyy!” pat came the reply.

-“Why not? What’s wrong with having a mustache?”

-“I dunno, I just wouldn’t. Do you know, on Facebook alone there are more than 50 'hate' pages on mustaches?"

This was diametrically opposite to the answer I would probably have given to the same question, in my dating days. What’s with this generation!- I thought, but did not articulate. Why do girls and guys all want to look the same way, wearing the same cut of jeans and similar looking tees…? Why can’t men be men and keep their mustaches, at least!

Salvador Dali's quirky mustache

The classic mustache

Traditionally, in certain cultures, in most parts of India at least, it was thought that men with mustaches can be very masculine. So what has happened to change this perception? Is it that men who are clean-shaven do not care for the masculine/ virile tag? Or, has some alternative now become available? I decided to find out. After conducting a mini survey, what emerged was that present day men are not keen to sport a mustache all the time, but would like to try it some time. Many were of the opinion that a stubble makes them more attractive. However even the clean-shaven ones confessed that they use strong after-shave lotions to send out signals of their manliness, a faint but indistinguishable hint of virility.

If you watch animation films, you will know that animators often use the mustache as the ‘mark’ of the villain as distinguished from the clean-shaven hero. The mustache represents apparent manliness with a “don’t mess with me” attitude. Therefore in the hands of the animator the mustache becomes a tool to forward the story with a simple tuft of facial hair. This aspect of ‘association’ of something scary with a mustache is so widespread that even a little baby reacts to it by breaking into a sob if approached by a mustached man. The reason for this automatic association is probably because the adults in the babies surroundings have been telling stories where a bad guy invariably sports a ’stache.

Can the decision to sport a mustache impact your job?

Urban chic with a mus'

In the twenty-first century, a mustached look is certainly not high up on the ‘corporate’ or the ‘international’ scale. In the international arena, if you are upwardly mobile on the job ladder then sport a mustache at your own risk. Of course, this is not an absolute. Some men deftly groom themselves to have a mustache and yet be unmistakably urban chic. There are certain professions where the reverse is true, even today. For instance, if you are in a profession with the so-called ‘intellectual’ tag [a scientist, a film-critic, a writer], then a mustache tells the world that there is substance in what you have to say to them. Strangely enough, the mustache is also a given for the stereotyped uneducated man in a profession befitting him like that of a truck-driver. I am told that five-star hotels and resorts pay allowances to door-keepers, etc. for the upkeep of a fancy mustache!

In my years of work with cross-cultural sensitivity issues, I have almost always found that apparent issues are not apparent; there runs a much deeper strain that can be traced back to myths and archetypes perpetuated by culture groups. However, it’s also true that much of culture defies logic and is purely arbitrary. So also with the mustache. Perceptions are as they are; we cannot help but live with them.

"In my personal opinion," I said to my daughter, "the mustache helps to separate the ‘men’ from the ‘boys’."

Too much too soon

Sometimes I wonder if I would be able to cope if I were a kid or teenager today. This because as parent to a teenager, I have a close view of the predicament that  she has to live today. An average teenager today is far more mature and worldly-wise than my generation was in our early twenties. (S)He knows that the world is a tough place, that there are practically no unconditional friendships, that your bank-balance defines the kind of esteem that you are likely to enjoy.

As parents, we pressurize them into ‘knowing’ their minds as early as in their early teens, about where they would want to go in life, what career they would want to pursue. We are paranoid about how everybody else in their peer group might be already ahead in the rat-race, forgetting that these are not rats we are talking about, these are still mice. We choose to ignore the fact that these tender minds are not ready to take on the pressure. As a result, rising rates of addictions, depressions, suicides amongst teenagers.


Take hobbies like sports and music. Even if there is a hint of talent in a kid, instead of allowing it to flower on its own, parents like us run helter-skelter to get them the best ‘coaching’ that money can buy, to set time-tables in a day wherein these ‘talents’ can be ‘honed’ by practice.. If you think sympathetically, the greatest favor that we as parents could do to these kids would be to leave them alone, to explore their passion on their own and to ask us for help if and when they do.


We only need to take one look at the ‘Reality Shows’ on television to understand the point that I am trying to make here. Kids with talent for this or that art are fiercely pitted against each other; they compete and try to ‘win’ so that their pathetic parents can feel good. They sing and dance, act out situations and emotions that are adult in essence, which they are too young to feel or understand. The entire exercise is hideous but we continue nonetheless, episode after episode, sponsors pouring money in and squeezing even more money out of the popularity of these shows.

In our times, the notion of falling in love used to be sweet and romantic, full of mystery and gossip. But no longer.

Our kids are aware that eventually they have to find a life partner. Only, for them, the romantic notion of love has been replaced by a hardcore practical one of, “Of course I love you, till I find someone better”, or, “Now that you are Rich, let’s fall in love” [quotation marks indicate that these are titles of two novels so popular amongst today’s teens that they are national bestsellers!]. Where does such cynicism come from? Could it be from their observation of their parents' lives and equations?

All this only leads me to ponder that perhaps it is time that we take a relook at parenting styles and step back a little, let children be children, let them make their mistakes and learn from them, allow them the space to become better human beings first before courting success at all cost.

Do you want to role play?

Look closely at life, your own life, your friend’s lives, at life all around you and you will see that a range of games that were started in childhood are still being played even amongst adults. Do we ever grow up? Does the mind age? Who knows? So whether we are four, fourteen or forty, we are still playing games like ‘peek-a-boo’, ‘catch me if you can’, hide-and seek’ or ‘dodge-ball’. The playing field is different at forty from the one at fourteen…instead of the neighborhood park, we have carried these games into our homes or offices or even into our mind-spaces.

There are some classic “roles” that we assume while playing these games. The roles I refer to here are not those of being an offspring, a sibling, a parent or a spouse- these are our default roles as we get into various relationships in life. Nor am I talking about roles in our work-life, like that of a boss or a subordinate or a client. The classic roles are the ones that are our collective psychological inheritance as the only thinking-feeling species.

Here’s a look at some of them.

The Man or (the Hunter) and The Woman or (the Nurturer)

Lurking somewhere in our unconscious is this stereotype. The man undertaking to provide for the family while the woman looks after the hearth. Probably this is the most deep-seated of our accepted psychological models. While on the one hand I see this as nature’s way of ensuring survival of the species, on the other hand I am glad to see that modern day society acknowledges that either gender can flexibly play each of these roles or even take turns in doing so. I am a trifle exasperated though, when I see these roles being extended even into the workplace scenario (for example, gender being the decisive factor for certain types of jobs, those of teachers, nurses, etc.)

The Persecutor, the Victim, and the Rescuer

This triangle is an eternal one. You and I see it all the time all around us: at home, where the mother of a newly-wed man so often plays the victim as she feels left out of the newly-established equation between her son and his bride. The bride in turn plays victim sometimes to attract attention back to her. In both these situations the same man has to play rescuer to two different women, turn by turn. The father of the bride, on the other hand, often turns into a fierce persecutor with respect to the second man in his daughter’s life.

In the office too, playing the helpless victim sometimes helps in assuring mileage especially if one can detect the presence of a potential rescuer! In society, entire communities sometimes cling on to this victim mode and choose to feel marginalized.

One observation: in my opinion, the position of the victim is the most potentially violent and therefore most important to avoid assuming. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel like a victim that we are most susceptible to lash out at others with violence.

The Dictator, the Liberal, the Conformist and the Rebel

This too is too widely prevalent for us to miss. Whenever a proposition is put on the table, be it buying a car in a family scenario or venturing out into a new horizon of business, some people invariably choose to agree to whatever is put on the table by the so-called ‘most powerful’ protagonist. Needless to say, these are the conformists. Some others have a radical allergy to agreeing to anything without a fight. These are the rebels. Few and far between are the moderates who would discuss issues with a rational approach. Leaders also come packaged very often as ‘Autocrats’ or dictators, and at other times as unorthodox ‘Liberals’ (as a layman’s term, without political overtones).

The Parent/ The Teacher

These are two of the oldest stereotypes perpetuated by our existence in a social structure. In a way these help in defining boundaries, ensuring safety. Within the family structure the role of a Parent may or may not be played by the actual parent. For instance, the ‘real’ Parent in a relationship may be the child if the parent is unwell, or weak-willed, or crippled, or addicted to alcohol, etc. At the work-place too, the leader’s role often combines that of these two classic stereotypes. The protective instinct, the zeal to guide, to lead by example often comes from either or both of these.

The Judge/ The Critic

The Judge or the Critic lurks in us all. There is an inevitable tendency in us to take a position vis-à-vis any situation or behavior from the relative standpoint of our own value systems. However, in some people this becomes a predominant character trait. Over time they lose consciousness of constantly either judging other people or being self-righteous.

The Wise One/ The Witness

This personality type is probably the most enlightened and therefore rarest. As a role it would not, I suppose, be very interesting to play if we have not yet made the transition in our psyche from role-plays enjoyed by us during childhood game sessions to adulthood strategy sessions. It is probably the only role with a clear preference for detached involvement.

Coming back to the child-adult persona in us, I would like to conclude by saying one thing: that no matter what game we are playing, or role we are assuming, it is of utmost importance to be kind…to that child in us that still has an appetite for games.

Acknowledgement : "Games People Play" by Eric Berne

From Fat to Fit...the mind game a year later.



Have you ever noticed how relatively easy it is to start something new and difficult to follow it through? In January this year I completed a year-long struggle with weight control and by the grace of God, I am still at it.

Last November I shared my story- “From Fat to Fit…” with my readers. That was the story of the beginning. Tough though that was, what followed it was even tougher: the continuation aspect. Gone were the thrills of looking at the scales and noticing how much weight you had lost each month; the fact that I had reduced dress sizes had also been kind of taken for granted. The question that loomed large on my mind was where do I go from here? Do I discontinue? Do I keep at my routine which by now had become boring?

Notice though that in all this, I am basically alluding to my inner dialogue. We all know how the mind has its tricky ways of assuming the dimensions of an independent being inside of us. In my imagination it is like a being that is small in size but powerful enough to paralyze my best intentions. It takes on the aspect of a wicked imp, tempting me with inertia, with the  secret pleasures of not  exercising, with the  illusion that I have trimmed my body to such a level of fitness that even if I now let go, no harm will be done…and so on and so forth. The list is endless as the little being inside us is prolific in cooking up excuses. The fact is if we get good at excuses, we are hardly good at anything else.

Here’s a look at some of  the excuses I manage to come up with.

• Yesterday, I had a long day at work, so I need the extra sleep today. It’s ok to miss the morning walk/ jog. I can do some free-hand exercises later.
• I am experiencing a muscle-pull, so I should skip exercising today.
• I have some osteoarthritis-related problems, so rest-day today.
• I have some extra work in office; I’ll have to go in earlier than usual. So, no time for gym.
• I feel light, all my clothes fit fine, so what’s the need to exercise.
• It’s hot today, so I’ll sweat a lot anyway
• Yesterday I exercised a lot, so I burnt a lot of extra calories.
• I didn’t eat much today, my calorie-intake was not high, so I can put it off toady.
• One day will not make a difference, since I am generally regular

The creativity in this aspect is limitless. How do I deal with these? I have no formulaic answer. Most of the times, I try to trick my mind : I comfort myself by stating , “ I will not run the whole way, or not do the whole routine of jog, push-ups, sit-ups, squats, weights, etc.” The ‘self-comforting' trick really works for my mind. It immediately falls into place and does as told. My inertia disappears. Another trick is positive reinforcement: I reward myself from time to time by allowing myself the time and resources for whatever it is that I have been wanting.

In this tussel with our own mind, it is imperative to address psychological issues. If we happen to have baggage from the past, it has a certain way of showing up on our bodies, in our health. 'Forgive and forget' is the mantra I keep chanting, not always with equal amounts of success, but nonetheless.

I must say one thing though: when you have completed more than a year’s journey with the fitness issue, diet does not remain a concern any longer. Eating right becomes a habit. Your appetite somehow shrinks. You are no longer susceptible to over-eating.

My ongoing struggle is with my mind, sometimes as turbulent as the shallow waves that break relentlessly near a shore. It has to be trained to calm down like the placid waters of the deep sea.

Profit fundamentals for the new investor.

Ground rules of the 'money' game.

By the law of averages, for most people the share-market is like Diagon Alley in Rowling’s Harry Potter series, attractive with its sinewy twists and turns and promises of unforeseen treasures, but accessible only to ‘others’ (read ‘wizards’). For some, it is like a slippery slope that discourages subsequent attempts after the first failed one. Blessed are the few that have been there and remained steadfast over time. Gratefully, I count myself in this last group.

I ventured in quite by accident, out of having nothing much to do at the time (intellectually, that is! every mother goes through those child-rearing years wherein it becomes imperative to find pursuits that would help maintain sanity). A decade ago, with a meager 15 thousand rupees in hand and zero internet connectivity it might have appeared sheer madness, had I been in a balanced state of mind to consider the odds. Thank God I wasn't. Providence works in mysterious ways, offering you opportunities where you would expect none.



It's a good idea to have a fund manager, but an even better idea to learn the ropes yourself. 



Since I had strayed in out of sheer curiosity, it was but natural that I would be clueless and directionless. The one thing that probably differentiated me from other such curious visitors was that I had already heard that some perceive the share-market as a place to make a quick buck, while others stick around for years studying it as if it were something alive-with a mind of its own. This second aspect caught my fancy as I saw in it an opportunity to stay engrossed for hours at a stretch while at the same time baby-sitting a toddler.

I entered, I ventured and I faltered. My roller-coaster ride had begun!! I made my share of mistakes over the next couple of years, but ultimately found my footing. Ever since, I have not left. Although that does not make me a “Guru” of the market, here I humbly share with all who are today as naïve and new as I was then, the wisdom that I have gleaned from my journey so far.

Ø      Define short and long term priorities: think about and define your short and long term financial goals; would you like to buy a fancy car in two years’ time? Would you like to be able fund your child’s education abroad 10 years down the line?

Ø      Start with a Mutual Fund: this is a safe ‘option’ as part of the returns are guaranteed. Besides a fund manager is there beside you at all times guiding your investment options.

Ø      Before every decision, take time to weigh options: for every small or big investment you make in the share market, there are multiple options. Do not look at too many options in order not to get confused. Select a few, study them, then invest in the most promising.

Ø      Do not operate out of greed or fear: these two emotions will cloud your judgment.

Ø      Listen to advice from all and sundry; then use your own judgment: it is very important to pay heed to dissenting voices in the market who regularly speak on television channels.

Ø      Study balance sheets of companies: while doing this, it is important to feel and operate as an insider, an ‘owner’ or ‘potential owner’ of the company.

Ø      Alternatively, look closely at what people are buying in Supermarkets: if you absolutely cannot study balance sheets and business reports, people’s buying preferences can give you a clue about the general ‘goodwill’ factor of a company or the lack of it.

Ø      Know when to enter a space; exiting will become easier: one of Warren Buffet’s simplest tenets has been to buy into established companies (that he calls the “Coca Colas” of the world), but at low prices. What is a low price? Look at 52 week prices, or over even longer periods, if required.

Ø      Restrict your portfolio: the magic number here is eight; keep the number of companies you are investing in, in control. Do not crowd your portfolio- it will become unmanageable.

Ø      Never speculate: Many a time I have been tempted to speculate, but did not. I recalled the “greed and fear” principle just in time to be able to resist.

Ø      Do not hesitate to cut losses: if after investing in a scrip, you realize after a reasonable period of time, that you have made a mistake, have the sense to exit and cut losses. Always remember, there are alternative deployments possible for your money at any given time. At all cost, avoid taking a 'mistake' made as a 'personal failure'. You have not failed until you have given up trying.

Now you are ready
to start milking the cash cow!

  I sincerely hope these points benefit at least a few people who are looking at opportunities to invest. As this piece is meant for the young investor (‘new’ to the market, that is), I am abstaining from more detailed discussions about different types of operations possible, and their pros and cons.

If anyone has queries, I request you to post those as comments. I promise to address each to the best of my ability. Better still, if you have suggestions for me, I will be very grateful if you leave them here.

Why we need a "Women's Day"

We have "Mother's day", "Daughter's day", "Wife's day", "Sister's day".....do we still need a "Women's day"?

Well, what’s the harm in having one day out of 365, dedicated to women?

8^th of March is celebrated internationally as IWD (International Women’s Day). It began as socialist political event- at one point in History it was even called International Working Women’s Day. Today it has largely lost those overtones and is celebrated the world over as an occasion to remember and recognize women in various roles, their achievements in an unequal world.

Women have come a long way...from being relegated to dark-dingy kitchens, or behind curtains, or with child-bearing and rearing, or to propagating the 'happy home' image in adverts by posing next to kitchennettes and vaccum cleaners....to choosing to take on diverse roles in building the professional as well as social matrix as they are today, in both rural and urban worlds, in the West as well as in the Orient. This is no mean feat and deserves to be celebrated.

Some would argue that having a special day dedicated to women actually defeats the very cause that it sets out to commemorate in the first place: that of women’s struggle for equality. Why would they need a day to themselves and want equality at the same time? On the other side of the debate is the consideration that such an occasion would really force women to stop and reflect about who they really are, what is their place in the male-biased or female biased cultural hegemony. As for me, I take this opportunity to gratefully salute those generations of unsung women in both public and private lives whose unwavering faith in and relentless effort towards this cause have given us what we enjoy today - a better world in this sense at least, while at the same time acknowledging that the road ahead must be tread.

Perhaps some of us will live to see a day when it would no longer be necessary to celebrate Women’s Day as we would have come together on a broader platform just as human beings, each gender playing the assigned role with full consciousness that it is but a necessary arrangement in order to better the human condition.

Until then, let women be especially honored, humored, loved and cherished as Mothers, Sisters, Lovers, Wives, Friends and Colleagues, on all days and especially on this day.

It is a practice in many countries to gift women ‘yellow mimosas’ – a symbol of spring and of happiness. Then of course, there are other gifts like diamonds which can make most women go over the moon. If not any of these, then a simple warm smile and a sincere wish can also do the trick.

Take your pick.

When enough is not enough

There used to be a time when buying new clothes needed an occasion like a birthday or a festival or New Year, when the connection of the first landline telephone at home would send a thrill down our spines, when in a family of two or three kids getting your own study desk seemed like a privilege. Yes, I am talking about a bygone era when enough was really more than enough. Things are different now. We are living in an age when enough is never enough.

Take for example the current craze for gadgets for communication like cell phones or tablets, etc. Consumers are looking for more and more feature-laden gizmos, service providers are promising enhanced connectivity, bandwidth, and what not. It is a common sight to see youngsters with one or more of these in their hands, typing away feverishly, apparently ‘communicating’ with ‘friends’. It makes me wonder whether the same people would be  as communicative with each other if they met  face to face. Since the present generation of parents of these youngsters also insist that that their ward must have one of these for the sake of safety, it makes me wonder whether our parents were less protective of us when we were kids

Consumerism, which was once a phenomenon in the West, has invaded the Asian spaces as well. Manufacturing is going on unabated, media & advertising are spreading the word around about what’s on the shelves and there is plenty of money chasing these goods, even from the middle class segment. People buy clothes, shoes, bags and other accessories not for looking good in them but because possessing brands gives them an identity. So nothing short of designer labels is worth even looking at. Is this adding to our self-worth or eroding from it, one often wonders.

We are living in times of excess, of yearning beyond the basics. By basic definition, a car is supposed to be a vehicle that can carry you safely and comfortably from point A to B. That would be just enough. But enough is no longer enough; so if it is not a fancy piece of equipment, promising you a pick up speed of 0-180 km/h in 8 seconds or less (in cities where traffic moves at snail’s pace), it is not worth possessing. Your house or apartment is inadequate if you are not part of a conglomerate with club-houses and gyms and swimming pools! A wedding ceremony is no longer the celebration of the coming together in love of two beautiful souls. It must have all the jazz and glitter that money can buy.  The locale has to be at least five star to be worth a mention, with exotic menus and designer jewelry and clothes. Even information is available in excess, thanks to the internet. So nobody really bothers painstakingly acquiring it, as we once used to do, by waiting in long queues and spending hours at libraries.

By the laws of economics, anything that is available in excess undergoes erosion of value.

Nobody, and yes, I repeat, nobody finds all this nauseating! We are slowly but inevitably getting socialized to accept this as our way of life. I know the ultimate wisdom is in accepting things the way they are, but cannot avoid feeling the agony of losing my sense of proportions, the angst for a time when value and worth were not commodities on sale in the marketplace.



                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

What not to do this Valentine's Day !!

Love is in the air....

You can feel it, so can I, what with the weather being perfect at this time of the year and the markets abuzz with products and services for the love-struck wallet. If your heart's a-flutter contemplating about how wonderfully romantic Valentine's Day is going to be, you might just risk throwing caution to the winds and commit a faux-pas ( for the non-french speaker, this word roughly translates to 'a blunder in etiquette or manners'). What held the promise of a lovely day might just turn into a nightmare of misunderstandings.


                         So, here comes a list of what NOT TO DO this Valentine's Day

What not to do on the day:

• Expect her to come and meet you - pick her up.
• Arrive late for that appointment - a woman hates to be kept waiting, do not take chances, arrive at least 30-45 minutes ahead of time.
• Over-dress - come well groomed but not dressed like a dandy.
• Under-dress - again come well groomed, no girl likes to go on date with a slob. 
• Appear clue-less  about the plan - plan ahead about where you want to take her, make reservations, check out the venue yourself in advance.
• Get chatty with a friend - if you happen to meet an old friend, keep the conversation restricted to a bare courteous minimum. You can always catch-up with him/ her some other day.
• Praise any other woman - even it is your mother or sister; save that for some other day. Today is her day.
• Over eat at dinner - a date with a glutton is not very romantic. Go home and eat if you are hungry.

What not to say to your lady-love :

• "You are late" - better get used to this as this is one of the privileges she is going to expect lifelong. 
• "You are my better half'" - think about it, if you call her this, then by default, you are the worse half, which she might not be interested in. 
• "You complete me" - so before she made an appearance into your life what were you? A half-boiled egg, or a half-baked cookie?
• "I cannot live without you" - don't be surprised if you hear "Get a life" in response to this lame declaration.
• "I like spending time with you" - so she is nothing more than your favourite pass-time, huh!
• "Roses are red, violets are blue..." - or any other cheesy rhymes that you find on the internet; these are fake and will make you seem so.

What not to gift her:

• A half-heart pendant - very very retro, reminiscent of cheesy movies from the '70s.
• A cuddly teddy-bear - she is an adult in a relationship, not a school-girl with pig-tails!
• A deodorant or body spray - I'm sure you're not dumb enough for me to have to tell you what message this could carry.
• A coffee-maker/ food-processor / any other kitchen-gadget - are you really going to risk telling her that you expect her to need/ use/ be engaged with these?
• A bracelet/ necklace with the motif of chains or shackles - this will only serve to scare her away
• A ring with your name inscribed on it - much akin to telling her "I look upon you as my property" or "I own you"

Follow these tips and have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

[Disclaimer : I can only share tips with men since I only know the woman's perspective. I welcome any of you guys reading this to leave comments that'll help women.]

Lets try talking

In a random survey for gauging if there really was some substance to the truism that men and women do not communicate in the same way, and that this was a major stumbling block for the larger part of their relationship with each other, be it as part of a couple, or in more formal relationships as those in the workplace, I directed the question "Do men and women speak the same language?" to ten people, of both sexes. Each time I got the same resounding "NO" as the answer. The emphasis on the negative made me wonder whether this was yet another of those cliché-traps from which so many of us struggle in vain to free ourselves. The proposition that men and women communicate differently has become a cliché with such phrases as “men never listen” and “women find it easier to talk about their feelings” appearing with fearful regularity in magazines to humorous greeting cards.Any over-enthusiastic stand on an issue seems to suggest that there is another side to the same issue which gets bulldozed out by the tyranny of the majority view. Is it that men and women do not speak the same language because they are biologically wired differently, or is it that society expects men and women to not speak the same language?

     

                                                     The "apparent" difference in the male and female

                                                      brain has been the inspiration behind some funny

                                                              and some not-funny-but-ugly comic endeavours as this one.

The male and female brain.

Neuroscience has consistently delved into the possibility as to whether the male and female brains are wired differently. To refer to just one among numerous such studies, in 2006, in a book titled The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, proposed the thesis that women’s behavior is radically different from that of men due to hormonal differences. The author concluded that the human female brain functions differently due to hormonal differences and differences in the architecture of the brain regulate such hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, she explains the major role played by talk in women's and girls' close relationships with differences in the brain: "some verbal areas of the brain are larger in women than in men." How did they get that way? "The testosterone surge" that male fetuses experience in the womb "shrinks the centers for communication." In addition, "It is during the teen years that the flood of estrogen in girls' brains activates oxytocin and sex-specific female brain circuits, especially those for talking, flirting, and socializing." As expected, Brizendine’s thesis has both supporters and detractors. The detractors, me included, prefer to go more with the “nurture” theory in the nature versus nurture debate.

Upbringing of boys and girls.

However, if you ask me, I feel that the nature versus nurture debate is and always will be inconclusive. In my own life I have tried experimenting with my own offspring to see if she voluntarily chose toys like tractors or cars or figurines of macho super-heroes. I even went to the extent of removing myself from her periphery to avoid influencing her choice in any manner. She never did. This made me, on the one hand, question the nurture theory, and on the other, also acknowledge that perhaps socialization was happening implicitly as she was part of peer groups where others were unknowingly perpetuating the gender stereotypes even if I was conscious of not doing so. In much the same way, society finds its ways of perpetuating language stereotypes in little boys and girls.

Any study of children at play is likely to reveal that little girls tend to use moderated commands with the intention of generating consensus, i.e. when they want to get the group to do something they use suggestion rather than a direct command. They begin with phrases such as 'let's', ‘shall we’, 'we could' to get others to do things, instead of imposing their personal power. On the other hand, boys tend to have more hierarchically organized groups (such as those in football teams) than girls and speech is often used to assert dominance. Boys use aggravated or explicit directives-with full social sanction- to get what they want, e.g. 'Get off', 'Gimme', 'I want'. This type of command establishes status differences within a group. Certain stylized speech events such as joking, arguing and storytelling are valued in boys' groups.

Communication as adults

As grown-ups, men and women manifest the same communication patterns learnt in childhood play-groups: Women send out and look for signs of harmony by linking what they say to the speech of others. They are careful to respect each other's turns in speaking and even apologize for speaking out of turn.. Men tend to drown each other out, jumping from topic to topic, vying to tell anecdotes about their achievements. They rarely talk about their feelings or their personal problems. Men compete for dominance, with some men clearly taking the lead. (In the animal kingdom, this behavior is known as establishing who the pack-leader is). They don't feel the need to link their own conversations to that of others. Instead, they are more likely to ignore what has been said before and to stress their own point of view. Women use language to create and maintain social cohesiveness and their activities are generally co-operative and non-competitive.

Sociolinguists try to justify the greater frequency of polite speech in women than in men by in relation with socially acceptability for a man to be forward and direct his assertiveness to control the actions of others.  Language, after all, is not just a mode of communication; it is also an instrument of power-play.  In any intelligent communication this power-play element is as obvious as an elephant present in the room, yet sometimes we choose to pretend that it is not there.

Here are some examples of how society plays an important role in determining the social functions of language.

-A girl is told “act like a lady” / “respect those around you”

-A boy is told “don’t cry like a girl” / “be a man”

- Women are said to 'gossip' while men 'talk shop’; men are assumed to be "firm" while women are "bossy."

-We often hear “boys will be boys” but seldom “girls will be girls”

-If a man talks more, he is “assertive”; if a woman talks more, she is “garrulous”.

-If a man talks less, he is “reticent”; if a woman talks less, she is “arrogant”.

Fortunately, these roles are getting recognized as  stereotypes and not being insisted upon

Bridging the gap.

Since we observe that women tend to be more relationship oriented and accomplish tasks by building relationships first while men tend to be more task oriented and go straight to the task, here are a few strategies  on how to communicate better with each other. Most of these are tried and tested, either by me or some close friends:

                -Non-verbal clues

• During a conversation if a woman nods her head, she is simply showing that she is listening. Men should not leave the conversation thinking that a head nod means agreement and later be surprised to find out that the woman didn't agree at all.
• When a woman is speaking to a man and he does not say anything and stays in neutral body language, he is probably showing that he is listening. The woman should not interpret that as the man being bored or not understanding what she is saying. So she should avoid repeating what she was saying.
• A woman actually tends to use more direct eye contact in a conversation to create relationship and connection. Men should not take that as a challenge to their power or position.
• Men often approach from the side or at an angle, which is how each of them tends to stand or sit when talking to others. Women should not interpret this as his is not being upfront or hiding something from her.

                -Verbal clues

• A woman often processes information out loud. The man should not make the mistake of thinking that she is insecure or looking for his approval.
• A man often processes information internally and is therefore quiet while doing so. The woman should not think that she is being deliberately shut out from the process. She should avoid probing or nagging until he is comfortable enough to discuss what he has processed. Therefore timing is crucial.

If both genders make the attempt to become aware and stay aware of male and female styles of communication, they would in general be in a better position to deal with the complexity and diversity of situations in today's world both personally and professionally by leveraging each other’s strengths. We should not be afraid to recognize differences. Once we do that it will be easier to have open discussions in order to find similarities and use those differences to achieve greater goals together.