What's for dinner?

It was  8.30 p.m. in the evening and my husband had come to pick me up from office. He had taken an early evening off, been home to freshen up, taken our daughter out for ice-cream. Then the two were there for me at the appointed time.

So far so good...

The moment I entered the car the first question hurled at me was, "Ma, what's for dinner?” by my daughter, of course, and I also caught a glimpse of my husband's head tilting expectantly towards me. I had had an especially strenuous day at work and my instant reaction was irritation at having no answer ready for that question and yet being compelled to answer it. I charged back asking why I was being asked that question even though her 'Dad' had been home before me and had had time to plan something, which of course he hadn't. She was genuinely surprised at my reaction, and simply said, “because we always ask you." I was ashamed of my behavior, but too stressed to apologize. An awkward silence prevailed after that, to be dispelled by my husband proposing that we eat out.

If you come to think of it, this is one of those questions that many women have been answering across cultures and across generations. They have never wondered as to why they have to have an answer. Perhaps it is only of late that some of us have begun to question the legitimacy of that question as we have gone out of our hearths and carved our own niches in the world outside as professionals in different fields. We have begun asking why, the man of the house seldom, if ever, has to worry about planning and executing meals, let alone having to answer that question.

It would be presumptuous to assume that all men enjoy this ‘peripheral status’ where decision-making rights regarding planning and executing meals is concerned although I am pretty sure most do. What about women? Do women resent the fact that they have to answer the ‘what’s for dinner’ question almost every day? Again it would be presumptuous to assume so. Would I cause outrage if I said that women on the one hand enjoy having the exclusive rights to answer that question, and on the other hand, fake resentment to use for their feminist agendas as and when it suits them? There is a poll alongside this article to gauge the most probable answer to that quesion.

I, for one, love the feeling of being cared for if I am reassured by my partner that dinner would be his responsibility on a certain hectic day. I am blissful at the thought of returning to a warm meal that I have neither had to plan, nor execute. BUT, this positive feeling turns into one of  threat if it continues for as short a period as three consecutive evenings. Understandably, the male in the equation cannot fathom this! He exclaims “You women… are a mystery”

What is this power-equation that women associate with the whole food affair? Where does it come from? What is its history?

Talking about history, I am reminded about a scene in a popular Hindi film released last year apparently based on the story of Emperor Akbar and his favorite queen Jodha. When challenged by a certain senior member of her in-law family about her place in the royal kitchen, the newly wedded queen takes a stand by stating that it is the prerogative of every married woman (“har vivahit stree ka adhikar hai yeh”).
At this point in the movie, I could see that the director had touched a chord in the heart of the vast majority of the women in the audience. What I was horrified at was the fact that I found myself reacting in almost the same way as all the other women, i.e., agreeing tacitly to that claim of prerogative. Why should such a prerogative matter to me, an educated woman of the twenty-first century who has discovered other playing fields?!

The answer probably is that when poised against the collective history of a society, of civilization, the journey of the individual pales into insignificance. One stimulus is all that is required for you to plug into the persona of the archetypal woman who feels empowered by virtue of the sway she holds in the kitchen.

If I look back at my own history, I am reminded of a small but significant incident. It was my first visit to my then would-be in-laws’. The day was that of 'Saraswati puja’. A short while after the first awkward moments of preliminary introductions, my boyfriend’s mother offered to let me help with the cooking. I was thrilled and touched to the core by her generosity and inclusiveness! She asked me if I could knead the dough for puris. I of course said an instantaneous yes and plunged in headlong, silk sari et al, into an extra-large casserole of flour. Being motherless from a young age, I was over anxious to prove my skills that I had learnt on my own. But sometimes proving that you have skills can be a BIG MISTAKE. That one incident revealed to her my weakness. In later years, whenever she wanted to reward me she gave me access to the kitchen, and withheld that access whenever I was refusing to tow the line.

The point I am trying to make is this: the reconciliation between being accomplished in your professional life and holding on to age-old fears and archetypes, has to begin at some point. It has to happen out of willingness, not coercion. So, to all the ladies, answer these ‘why’s in your minds:

      Why, despite our qualifications and accolades, do we try to prove that we can cook and house-keep well?

      Why do we so often utter the sentence ‘get out of my kitchen’ when the men venture in?

      Why do we feel threatened when they are equally capable of planning and executing meals/ organising events?

      Why do we like being called "Minister of Home Affairs" or “Supreme Court”?

      Why do we women cry ourselves hoarse about gender-equality in workplaces while at the same time holding on to our so called ‘prerogatives’ at home?

      Why do we then resent it if they feel threatened by our skills and competences at the work place?

Turnabout is fair-play, don't you think ladies, and wouldn't you like that gentlemen?

How many of you think that women need to let go of their own insecurities first before they can expect the men to follow suit?  Cast your vote, we will know.

RESULTS OF THE POLL: -
-What is a woman likely to feel if she is not consulted in planning a dinner being hosted on an important occasion? [ Thrilled-0%, Relieved-20%, Angry-60%,Slighted-20%]
-Are girls and boys groomed differently by parents according to accepted societal norms?
[No-0%, Yes, but only in India-0%, Yes-40%, Maybe, but not in my household-60%]
-Does a woman resent better house-keepimg skills from the spouse?
[Most definitely-0%, Probably-20%, Depends on which generation she belongs to-40%, Not at all-40%]
-How often does a man deliberately let a woman feel in control at home to maintain peace?
[Always-0%, Sometimes-40%, Most of the time-60%, Never-0%]

A warm 'thank you' to all those who cast their votes.