Lets try talking

In a random survey for gauging if there really was some substance to the truism that men and women do not communicate in the same way, and that this was a major stumbling block for the larger part of their relationship with each other, be it as part of a couple, or in more formal relationships as those in the workplace, I directed the question "Do men and women speak the same language?" to ten people, of both sexes. Each time I got the same resounding "NO" as the answer. The emphasis on the negative made me wonder whether this was yet another of those cliché-traps from which so many of us struggle in vain to free ourselves. The proposition that men and women communicate differently has become a cliché with such phrases as “men never listen” and “women find it easier to talk about their feelings” appearing with fearful regularity in magazines to humorous greeting cards.Any over-enthusiastic stand on an issue seems to suggest that there is another side to the same issue which gets bulldozed out by the tyranny of the majority view. Is it that men and women do not speak the same language because they are biologically wired differently, or is it that society expects men and women to not speak the same language?

     

                                                     The "apparent" difference in the male and female

                                                      brain has been the inspiration behind some funny

                                                              and some not-funny-but-ugly comic endeavours as this one.

The male and female brain.

Neuroscience has consistently delved into the possibility as to whether the male and female brains are wired differently. To refer to just one among numerous such studies, in 2006, in a book titled The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine, proposed the thesis that women’s behavior is radically different from that of men due to hormonal differences. The author concluded that the human female brain functions differently due to hormonal differences and differences in the architecture of the brain regulate such hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, she explains the major role played by talk in women's and girls' close relationships with differences in the brain: "some verbal areas of the brain are larger in women than in men." How did they get that way? "The testosterone surge" that male fetuses experience in the womb "shrinks the centers for communication." In addition, "It is during the teen years that the flood of estrogen in girls' brains activates oxytocin and sex-specific female brain circuits, especially those for talking, flirting, and socializing." As expected, Brizendine’s thesis has both supporters and detractors. The detractors, me included, prefer to go more with the “nurture” theory in the nature versus nurture debate.

Upbringing of boys and girls.

However, if you ask me, I feel that the nature versus nurture debate is and always will be inconclusive. In my own life I have tried experimenting with my own offspring to see if she voluntarily chose toys like tractors or cars or figurines of macho super-heroes. I even went to the extent of removing myself from her periphery to avoid influencing her choice in any manner. She never did. This made me, on the one hand, question the nurture theory, and on the other, also acknowledge that perhaps socialization was happening implicitly as she was part of peer groups where others were unknowingly perpetuating the gender stereotypes even if I was conscious of not doing so. In much the same way, society finds its ways of perpetuating language stereotypes in little boys and girls.

Any study of children at play is likely to reveal that little girls tend to use moderated commands with the intention of generating consensus, i.e. when they want to get the group to do something they use suggestion rather than a direct command. They begin with phrases such as 'let's', ‘shall we’, 'we could' to get others to do things, instead of imposing their personal power. On the other hand, boys tend to have more hierarchically organized groups (such as those in football teams) than girls and speech is often used to assert dominance. Boys use aggravated or explicit directives-with full social sanction- to get what they want, e.g. 'Get off', 'Gimme', 'I want'. This type of command establishes status differences within a group. Certain stylized speech events such as joking, arguing and storytelling are valued in boys' groups.

Communication as adults

As grown-ups, men and women manifest the same communication patterns learnt in childhood play-groups: Women send out and look for signs of harmony by linking what they say to the speech of others. They are careful to respect each other's turns in speaking and even apologize for speaking out of turn.. Men tend to drown each other out, jumping from topic to topic, vying to tell anecdotes about their achievements. They rarely talk about their feelings or their personal problems. Men compete for dominance, with some men clearly taking the lead. (In the animal kingdom, this behavior is known as establishing who the pack-leader is). They don't feel the need to link their own conversations to that of others. Instead, they are more likely to ignore what has been said before and to stress their own point of view. Women use language to create and maintain social cohesiveness and their activities are generally co-operative and non-competitive.

Sociolinguists try to justify the greater frequency of polite speech in women than in men by in relation with socially acceptability for a man to be forward and direct his assertiveness to control the actions of others.  Language, after all, is not just a mode of communication; it is also an instrument of power-play.  In any intelligent communication this power-play element is as obvious as an elephant present in the room, yet sometimes we choose to pretend that it is not there.

Here are some examples of how society plays an important role in determining the social functions of language.

-A girl is told “act like a lady” / “respect those around you”

-A boy is told “don’t cry like a girl” / “be a man”

- Women are said to 'gossip' while men 'talk shop’; men are assumed to be "firm" while women are "bossy."

-We often hear “boys will be boys” but seldom “girls will be girls”

-If a man talks more, he is “assertive”; if a woman talks more, she is “garrulous”.

-If a man talks less, he is “reticent”; if a woman talks less, she is “arrogant”.

Fortunately, these roles are getting recognized as  stereotypes and not being insisted upon

Bridging the gap.

Since we observe that women tend to be more relationship oriented and accomplish tasks by building relationships first while men tend to be more task oriented and go straight to the task, here are a few strategies  on how to communicate better with each other. Most of these are tried and tested, either by me or some close friends:

                -Non-verbal clues

• During a conversation if a woman nods her head, she is simply showing that she is listening. Men should not leave the conversation thinking that a head nod means agreement and later be surprised to find out that the woman didn't agree at all.
• When a woman is speaking to a man and he does not say anything and stays in neutral body language, he is probably showing that he is listening. The woman should not interpret that as the man being bored or not understanding what she is saying. So she should avoid repeating what she was saying.
• A woman actually tends to use more direct eye contact in a conversation to create relationship and connection. Men should not take that as a challenge to their power or position.
• Men often approach from the side or at an angle, which is how each of them tends to stand or sit when talking to others. Women should not interpret this as his is not being upfront or hiding something from her.

                -Verbal clues

• A woman often processes information out loud. The man should not make the mistake of thinking that she is insecure or looking for his approval.
• A man often processes information internally and is therefore quiet while doing so. The woman should not think that she is being deliberately shut out from the process. She should avoid probing or nagging until he is comfortable enough to discuss what he has processed. Therefore timing is crucial.

If both genders make the attempt to become aware and stay aware of male and female styles of communication, they would in general be in a better position to deal with the complexity and diversity of situations in today's world both personally and professionally by leveraging each other’s strengths. We should not be afraid to recognize differences. Once we do that it will be easier to have open discussions in order to find similarities and use those differences to achieve greater goals together.